The World's Best Quidditch Match
by ILoveMyCookies
Summary: This is quidditch at youve never seen it before.Who knew there were so many uses to quidditch gear?Caution:this story contains horny ghosts,love triangles and above all strange and disturbing couplingsworking on sequel


THE WORLDS GREATEST QUIDDITCH MATCH

Quidditch pitch:

Harry Potter:Catches snitch

Draco Malfoy:Kindly let go of my snitch,Potter.

Harry: Oups,sorry.Wrong one.

Draco: That's ok, I like it kinky!Makes whip noise

Harry:Um…Backs away slowly

Hermione:Ron!Stop fondling my quaffles!

Ron:But they're so beau-ti-full! Where did you hide these this past year?

Hermione:Behind my back!Remember when I had a hunch back?And btw,my hair is not the only thing that's bushy!Winks

Ron:Um…

Rita Skeeter: Young love!

Cho arrives and runs quietly into broom shed

Cho:Omg!Yes!That's it!Ahhhh!Tap that!Catch that snitch!

Fred + George:Well,we're off to beat a couple of hard bludgers!

Harry:What the hell are you doing to my firebolt?

Cho:GrowlsI like it fast!

Luna:OMG!Crumple-horned snorkhack!

Neville:No, that's just Cho riding Harry's broomstick!

Draco:Hey, can I have a turn?

Cedric:Ya!Me too!Stop hogging his broomstick!I want some action!

Hermione:Wait…you're dead…

Moaning Myrtle floats in seductively

Myrtle:I always thought you were the handsome one Ced-e-rick!

Cedric:…Um…

Hermione:Get your own broomstick ,Myrtle!

Ron:You can't say anything, Hermione!You won't even ride my broomstick!

Hermione:But it's so small…I can never tell if I'm on…I'm scared to fall off…I can never feel it!

Ron:Shhh…I can never get it up!Watch…up..up…up…up!It won't stay up!

Hermione:Here does this help?Shows him her quaffles

Ron:It's up!Yay!

Crowd:WEASLEY IS OUR KING!HE CAN GET OFF ON ANYTHING!

Ginny:You know Neville,this reminds me of when Riddle captured me and he showed me his snake…it was sooooooo big!

Neville:I know!

Ginny:…I thought I was his first!

Neville:Apparently not ,hehehehe!

Minerva:Presenting, for no reason at all,Viktor Krum!

Viktor walks in dancing in a pink g-string singing I'm too sexy for my hat!

Realizes he's at Hogwarts

Viktor:Oups…wrong place…pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

Rustling noise in bush

Viktor emerges dressed in Durmstrang uniform

Viktor:There we go!Now,Turbohiney,come we play Quidditch!Wiggles eyebrowsTurbohiney?

_In distance_

Hermione:Weasley is my king!He always gets that broomstick in!WEASLEY IS MY KING!

Viktor:So…uh…hi Ginny!

Neville:As if!Get your own!

Suddenly Fleur Delacour walks in and tries to seduce Draco

Lucious:Draco!You know better than to meddle with such white trash!

Fleur starts singing to the tune of 'Stacey's mom':Draco's dad is sexy when he's mad!

Lucious:Turns around and growls

Both mysteriously disappear

Lupin walks up to Angelina Johnson and whispers in her ear

Lupin:Mmmm…chocolate!How would you like to make me feel better?

Angelina:But you're a Werewolf!

Lupin:SingingYou and me, baby ,ain't nothing but mammals!So let's do it like they do on the discovery channel!

Angelina:You got a point there!Come on Wolfboy!

Madame Maxime:Zis game ees making me 'ungrree!

Hagrid:SingingYou want my sausages!(A.N don't try and understand this it's an inside joke between a few friends!)

Maxime:Giggles

They disappear into forest

Hagrid:While you're eating my sausages I can explore your forbidden forest!

Dumbledore walks in

Dumbledore:I think I saw a porno like this once!

Someone from crowd:ya turbohiney 3!...Raw!

Dumbledore:Ya!Slavic shit!Hehee!

Ron:What?

Hermione:Yeah!There was this one time me and Viktor made three prono movies!Mmmmm….broomstick!

Snape walks in swishing his wand

Creevey brothers get excited and Collin starts flashing his camera

Collin:If I develop these right, I can get them to move!

Snape checks him out

Snape:SingingI'm too sexy for my potions,too sexy for my dungeon!

Minerva:Place your hand on my left but cheek…

Dumbledore:Where?

Minerva:Just do it ,Damnit!Imperio!

_In distance_

Snape:Still singingI can do my lil turn on the Quidditch pitch!Cus many things happen on the Quidditch pitch!

Voldemort:Evil laughI shall seduce you all under the imperious curse!

Trelawney:You don't need to use the curse on me my Lord!Growls… and I heard you had a pretty big snake!

Voldemort:Ginny!Who'd you tell?

Ginny:I didn't tell babe!

Neville:WinksI love yo ass in those jeans dahling!

Voldemort:Gay voiceOh, really?You don't think they make me look fat?

Trelawney:Nope it's totally tappable!We should have a go in the broomshed once that slut Cho is done!

Cho:Kiss my big white hairy dick!Oh…I mean ass!

Harry:Oh so that's what keeps on poking me!

Snuffles walks onto pitch

Fang starts licking him

Snuffles:Dude, I don't swing that way!Lupin, help!

Lupin:Shut up, I'm eating chocolate!

Narrator-that-suddenly-appears-at-the-very-end-of-this-porno-ish-story :And thus ends the best Quidditch match at the magical place that is Hogwarts!

Lupin:Arroooooo!

DISCLAIMER:this story does not contain any sexual content except for the fact that it totally does!

Selena:Sam,I think we should've put this at the top of the story…

Sam:shut up it's 2 in the morning ok?...ok ,ya, maybe you were right…

Authors:selena LeBlanc and Samantha goguen


End file.
